Anxiety Disorder x Love

12:30 AM

"Anxiety disorders are a category of mental disorders characterized by feelings of anxiety and fear, where anxiety is a worry about future events and fear is a reaction to current events." - Wikipedia

Anxiety disorder has been haunting people without them realizing it. People who suffer from anxiety disorder tend to be a perfectionist and lack of confidence which could effect their daily life activities. They might be having irrational fears and start placing themselves in a negative way. They have no power when it comes to making a decision since they have the need to be "the people-pleaser". It feels great to please other, especially your loved ones, but if that means you always have to suffer in order to make them happy? You should reconsider.

They also feel the need to impress others, they desperately need to be loved. They may look strong and powerful, in fact they are very weak. Since they need everyone to love them, they start acting like people they are not, just because they're afraid of rejection, afraid of not being good enough.

I'm no doctor or psychologist, but how can I write all of this? Because it just happened to be me.  I wanted everybody to like me and accept me for who I am, denying the truth that only God can do such thing. Always tried so hard to live up everyone's expectations but neglecting the joy for my own.

Grew up as a fatty kid at school didn't bother me at all until my friends started teasing (or people nowadays call it bullying) me. People may say "Oh it was just a joke" or "You are being too serious". But it's the small thing that counts. So I went on diet like a psycho started from the third year of senior high school until NOW. Yes, up until I'm writing this entry. I've lost 13 kgs and people always tell me that I look better (slimmer) now. Unfortunately, the insecurity had been unconsciously consuming me for years that's why I kept telling myself "I'm still fat and I still need to lose weight". I recalled the time when I was living in China, I only ate one meal a day (which was only an apple) just because I gained 2 kgs. Psychotic, lunatic, nuts, maniac - you name it. But thank God, I can now embrace it all and I'm grateful for those who teased me and I no longer have to suffer for not grabbing a dinner.

But the most tiring part of being an anxious bitch is I barely trust anyone. It's tiring not to be able to trust while you on the other hand, want to be trusted. I just have to figure everything out by myself. Why can't I trust anyone? I'm afraid of a heartbreak, of being hurt (not in romantics kinda way). And again, fear controlled me. I had successfully built walls around my heart and my head, but once someone came in, broke it down and just left out, I was miserable. That's when I started to feel less worthy than others, started thinking I'm bad in so many ways. 

I used to reread any conversation from my phone just to make sure I replied them right. The fear of making mistakes, the fear of being annoying, the fear of failing, the fear of being ignored and any other fears you may name, had been haunting me since forever. Your mind just couldn't stop picturing the worse situations that could've happened. It was exhausting, even just to think of it. Until I realized I was wrong and need to stop looking for people's approval.

What I've been looking for was right there all the time but I was so blinded to devote my life to the wrong people. In the end, we all just want to be loved  - completely and wholeheartedly. The kind of love that any human could never give and could never return. The greatest, the truest and the unconditional one, it's the love that only comes from God. I was wrong for putting an effort to get it from people, I felt like I gave my best but it never returned.

I had been struggling with social anxiety, lack of confidence and low self-esteem for years. It takes a lot of courage for me to finally decide that I want to share this on my blog. But I just want you to know that, do not believe whatever your mind is telling you and do not overthink. And if you are thinking you're not worthy, but in His eyes you are WORTH more than you think. If God can heal me, He can heal you too. Whatever wounds you have in your heart, kneel down and pray. By writing this post, that doesn't mean my life is already perfect or I am completely healed, but it does mean you are not alone. Sometimes you just gotta ignore and live your life to the fullest. Your need matters too. 

1 Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

the one who just confessed,

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1 comments

  1. Touching words.. By writing all these down, I'm sure you have also cast out most of the anxiety disorder by now. Always remember that God loves us no matter what. God bless

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